Tag Archives: daily life

Advice [with commentary]

advice

People cannot resist giving advice. Most of it is unwanted, unwarranted or useless.  Shakespeare’s Polonius, he of “Neither a borrower nor a lender be,” was full of advice and was also a deceitful old fool.  Hamlet rewarded Polonius for this advice by stabbing him: He should have stabbed him sooner.

While I am not planning to stab anyone, I am going to add my own curmudgeonly commentary to some advice and comments that I received recently.

 

Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes.  [Wear more if it’s cold unless you are auditioning for a job as a stripper.]

If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there’s a fifty percent chance you’ll die within the next three years.  [So move around every 10 hours and 59 minutes.]

There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you. There is a 9% chance that you’ll meet one of them in your lifetime.  [None of these people will look like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.]

Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger.  [Sleeping without a bed does not.]

A person’s height is determined by their father and their weight is determined by their mother.  [It’s always your parents’ fault.]

If a part of your body “falls asleep,” you can almost always “wake it up” by shaking your head.  [If your head falls asleep, you’re probably dead.]

There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing – food, attractive people and danger.  [For men, this is defined as beer, large breasts and “honey do” lists.]

Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor.  [Using the tea bag afterwards will not.]

According to Albert Einstein, if honey bees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within 4 years. [Sooner if preceded by nuclear holocaust.]

There are so many kinds of apples that if you ate a new one every day, it would take over 20 years to try them all.  [Also true for micro-breweries.]

People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t. [Unless you laugh at a Hell’s Angel.]

Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt bulb.  [Which is why we see people who have a bright idea with a 10 watt bulb over their heads.]

Our body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to boil 1.5 liters of water.  [So if you sit in a bathtub long enough, will you heat it up?]

Stomach acid (HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.  [Be environmentally sound by swallowing razor blades after using them.]

Take a 10 to 30 minute walk every day and while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate antidepressant.  [Not true. When I take a 30 minute walk, I grimace.]

Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.  [For a teenager, make it 10 hours instead of 10 minutes.]

Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything. [But don’t forget their names.]

Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years, will this matter?”  [If yes, then elevate “so-called” to “cataclysmic.”]

If you can’t improve your health OR your writing, then…

 

..you end up at WalMart, of course.

Fred, an otherwise rational adult male, foolishly believes that he will find what he needs at his local WalMart.  He realizes his mistake when he gets trapped in Aisle 6 – Depends, Tampons, Bandaids, rubbing alcohol, printing ink…

Frantic calls from his cellphone brings, in succession, his family, friends, members of the constabulary, Food and Drug Enforcement officials, the World Wrestling Entertainment federation, a SWAT team and even nuclear disarmament forces. Every attempt to rescue him fails as each group, in turn, becomes a WalMartian!

There is little I can add to these disturbing pictures except to say that evidence of alien life is closer than you can imagine.

 

 

 

…and they say romance is dead.

and they say

You may thank (or blame) Tom Merriman  for this episode of:

Fallen Arches title copy

He asked in his February Monthly Theme for a post on the topic “…and they say romance is dead.”

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A husband and his long suffering wife decided to take a romantic driving vacation through the scenic US West. The husband, who was hard of hearing, was speeding down a remote highway and was spotted by a state trooper who pulled behind them, siren blaring.

“Pull over” says the wife.

“What?” says the husband.

“PULL OVER! STATE TROOPER!” screams the wife.

The husband pulls to the side of the rode and is approached by the female state trooper.

“May I see your license, please?” says the trooper.

“What?” says the husband.

“LICENSE! SHE NEEDS YOUR LICENSE!” screams the wife.

The husband hands the trooper his license. Upon looking at the license, the state trooper says:

“I see you’re from Delaware. I used to date a man from Delaware but he was a real asshole.”

“What?” says the husband.

“SHE SAYS SHE KNOWS YOU!” screams the wife.

 

…and they say romance is dead.

Bonfire of the Vanity Plates

 

Vanity plates have served for a long time as both a source of revenue (for the licensing authorities) and as a source of amusement for the rest of us.  Lawrence Welk had a vanity plate that read NE1NE2.  In the eponymous Seinfeld TV series, wacky neighbor Kramer kept looking for a license plate that read ASSMAN until it turned up on a car belonging to a proctologist.  The new Breaking Bad spinoff – Better Call Saul – shows the back of a Cadillac with the plate LWYRUP.

All too often, people go overboard or cannot get exactly the right plate, resulting in poor spelling and questionable taste.  A friend of mine (the second F in Friend of a Friend – FOAF) has collected vanity plate names for decades as a hobby and, when I see an amusing one, I send it on to him.  Here is a list of recent ones I’ve seen that, in a number of cases, asks the inevitable question “Why?”  How a few of these got past the prudish censors is beyond me.

AWTOBAN CARRPDM OFEELIA
SEXTONL ALLONS E EL FLOW
CORKDORK P8DOFF BUSTEM
EL-CHE KING ANT 6BUURGH
1 KNOW 2ADMIRE NASTY4-6
1HOTHO PPSSY JUJUMMY
MAH TOY IM GRUVY JOE BUTT

And my favorite…

O DIREA

 

Well, I gotta go.  If you see an amusing or questionable plate, pass it on.

Bonf3

 

Travel Plans

Good old FOAF – that’s Friend Of A Friend – has come to my rescue yet again while my brain (what’s left of it) gets rejuvenated:

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travel-plan-300x300

I have been in many places but I’ve never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with  someone. I’ve also never been in Cognito.  I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there thanks to my spouse, children,  friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions but you have to  jump and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.  I’ve been in Flexible but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable and I go there more often as I’m getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense.  It really gets the adrenalin flowing and  pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent but I don’t remember what country I was in.  It’s an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

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