Tag Archives: questions

Citizenship Test

Citizenship Test

citizenship1

 

With a national election upcoming in the United States, I have been wondering how much the average American knows about the rights of U.S. citizenship. Naturalized citizens are required to pass a citizenship test (see link ) but those of us born as American citizens have no such requirement.  I think it is time that ALL Americans, if they want to be called Americans, stand up and take a test to prove that they are indeed true-blue one hundred percent U.S. citizens.

Ergo (meaning more pompous than therefore), I offer the Curmudgeon-at-Large True-Blue United States Citizenship Test.


 

  1. What are the last words of the national anthem?
  • a) Of Thee I Sing
  • b) God Save the Queen
  • c) And the Home of the Brave
  • d) Play Ball

2.What is the first question asked by a defense attorney to his client?

  • a) Are you guilty?
  • b) Are you innocent?
  • c) How much money have you got?
  • d) Want some crack?

3. What is the proper drink for the Fourth of July?

  • a) Pabst Blue Ribbon
  • b) Bourbon
  • c) Cosmopolitan
  • d) All of the above

4. Where was President Barak Obama born?

  • a) Illinois
  • b) Hawaii
  • c) Kansas
  • d) Kenya

5. Where was Donald Trump born?

  • a) New York
  • b) Florida
  • c) In a galaxy far, far away
  • d) He wasn’t born; he was hatched.

6. Which person below is NOT true-blue one hundred percent American?

a)     Citizenship2.jpg                      b) citizenship3

c)       citizenship4             d)  citizenship5

7. What do you do when go into a voting booth?

  • a) Vote for the candidates of your choice
  • b) Vote for the candidates you were paid to vote for
  • c) Look for hidden cameras
  • d) Relieve yourself

8. In the event no candidate for President of the United States receives the required number of electoral votes, who chooses the next president?

  • a) Congress
  • b) World Wrestling Federation
  • c) Some unknown guy hidden in Cheyenne Mountain, Wyoming
  • d) Highest bidder

9. What are the three branches of government?

  • a) Olive, birch and palm
  • b) Huey, Dewey and Louie
  • c) Triassic, Jurassic and Cretaceous
  • d) It doesn’t matter, they’re all crooks.

10. Match the statement to the president.

a) I am not a crook. George H.W. Bush
b) I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Richard Nixon
c) Read my lips. Lyndon Johnson
d) Gerald Ford can’t piss and chew gum at the same time. Bill Clinton

11. What are the first words a foreign-speaking naturalized citizen should understand when entering the United States?

  • a) Welcome to America.
  • b) Stay in your lane.
  • c) You have the right to remain silent.
  • d) Attention, Kmart shoppers!

12. How often does the United States Constitution get changed?

  • a) Every four years
  • b)Every two years and four months
  • c) Whenever an amendment is ratified by three-fourths of the states
  • d) When it gets dirty

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To get your results, please place your answers, a self-addressed stamped envelope and $500 in cash (preferably small bills) in a sealed envelope and mail it to:

  • True-Blue United States Citizenship Test
  • 123 Main St.
  • East Jesus, TX 88808

You will receive the answers that you deserve.

Your welcome, America!

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If you can’t improve your health OR your writing, then…

 

..you end up at WalMart, of course.

Fred, an otherwise rational adult male, foolishly believes that he will find what he needs at his local WalMart.  He realizes his mistake when he gets trapped in Aisle 6 – Depends, Tampons, Bandaids, rubbing alcohol, printing ink…

Frantic calls from his cellphone brings, in succession, his family, friends, members of the constabulary, Food and Drug Enforcement officials, the World Wrestling Entertainment federation, a SWAT team and even nuclear disarmament forces. Every attempt to rescue him fails as each group, in turn, becomes a WalMartian!

There is little I can add to these disturbing pictures except to say that evidence of alien life is closer than you can imagine.

 

 

 

Blog Tag 4 U

blog tag

A long time ago, I got blog-tagged.  I answered the 11 questions posed as part of the “blog-tag experience” but did not create a new set to pass on to 11 people.

So here’s your chance.  I am listing my set of questions and letting anyone who reads this post answer as many or as few as they please.  Please place your answers in the comments section.

Questions:

  1. Time travel becomes possible.  You cannot go back in time and change history but you are allowed to time-travel and live at another time in history.  What era would you choose?
  2. a) Paper or plastic; b) aisle or window; c) boxers or briefs; d) convertible or coupe; e) rich and dull or creative, inspiring and poor?
  3. You have forgotten the birthday/anniversary/special occasion of someone very close and remember it only at the last possible moment.  What do you do?
  4. If you could be someone else, who would you be?
  5. By entering a few personal bits of information about yourself, the death clock will tell the day on which you will die.  (I entered the information about myself and discovered that I had been dead for twelve and a half years).  Would you prefer to know or not know in advance the date of your death?
  6. What is your favorite place on earth?
  7. What inspires you?
  8. Describe yourself as a color, a fragrance, a sound, and a texture.
  9. Imagine that you are a writer of fiction (for those of you who are not writers of fiction).  Could you write accurately about a topic that you find repugnant like rape, child molestation or animal abuse?  (If you don’t find these repugnant, then go to another blog – now!)
  10. What would you put on a vanity plate?  (If you do not own a car, then what would you put on your bike, canoe or just wear around your neck?)
  11. What is the hardest question for you to ask someone else?

Blogging at the Three Year Mark

I was responding to a post by nursekelly on the trials and tribulations of blogging.  It piqued my interest and resulted in a post of its own.  As of this January, I have now been blogging for 3 years (on and off) and I make the following observations:

BloggingThree1

It was very hard to start.  I was fearful of saying something stupid or wrong and of not getting any response.  Over time, I found it easier to post, although finding new topics is still difficult and seems to come in spurts.  Saying stupid things comes naturally to me so I got over that quickly.

I picked a theme to find “my voice.”  Being a curmudgeon-at-large wasn’t that hard. Even though there were and are others with the same idea, my innate warped sense of humor gave me focus.  Can you blog successfully without a focus?  Well, Jerry Seinfeld made millions of dollars with a comedy show “based on nothing,” but most of us need a focus.

Building a set of loyal followers takes time but it only takes a few who have a rather large following and an interest in your blog to increase activity.  Commenting on other peoples’ blogs also helps (but does not guarantee) to increase activity on your own and, quite frankly, I need to do more of it.

I have not encountered “super bloggers” (100,000+ followers) but I have noticed several who get a very large number of likes and comments even though the actual post seem inane or lacking content.  I still don’t know why this happens.  I find more revealing those bloggers who write well or have a creative view, have a sizable audience (100’s or 1000’s, not 100,000), get a sizable number of comments and still have time to reply to most.  These bloggers are dedicated to interaction and exchange of ideas.  Personally, I would prefer to be the latter rather than the former.

I have several fellow bloggers who are writers – no surprise that many bloggers are writers – who unabashedly use their blogs to advertise their books.  Not one (so far) has asked for a contribution and I believe it fair to use a blog for marketing promotion.  If you like the way the blogger writes, then you will be more likely to be interested in their books.

Bloggers come and go.  Some get exhausted; many run out of ideas; some have reached their primary goal (sobriety, end of a bad relationship, fear of writing, etc.). While I still read and follow many that I started with, others have, regrettably, stopped blogging.  The upside is to encourage looking for new ones.

Obscenity and vulgarity – I don’t mind it and I use it occasionally for emphasis but I’m not good at it.  Besides, there are already too many “fuck you” rants posts as it is.

I try to read as many different types of blogs as possible, from the creative, inspirational and poetic to those that others might find offensive, weird or unusual.  I want to stretch my aging brain, not restrict it.  While I have written posts about subjects like elderporn, alien anal probing and sex with animals, I would hope that no one takes me seriously.  (Sorry to disappoint you, Fido.)

So, what’s your blogging view and experience, whether newbie or veteran?  Is it up, down, sideways, ever-changing or static?  I await your reply with bated breath.  (Does bated breath leave a taste in your mouth?)

Imponderables – The Final Conflict

We’re done here:

Imponderables Final

  • How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
  • How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?
  • How many weeks are there in a light year?
  • Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
  • If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his iPhone?
  • If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
  • If Barbie’s so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
  • If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
  • If cats and dogs didn’t have fur would we still pet them?
  • If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
  • If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
  • If you can’t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
  • If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
  • Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?

Imponderables_children

  • Why do they call it “chili” if it’s hot?
  • Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  • Clones are people two.
  • The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
  • When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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