I have spent too much time on Facebook rather than blogging. Here is the result.
Facebook Foolishness
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Tag Archives: advice
SHAREing
Here’s something I wish to SHARE with you.
I am never going to ask anyone on Facebook to SHARE anything… ever!
I am not going to ask you to SHARE if:
- You agree with Donald Trump;
- You hate Donald Trump;
- Parents should be allowed to teach their kids to shoot;
- U call yourself my buddy, friend or family;
- You are lactose intolerant;
- You need a hug;
- You need an Amen;
- You need a laxative;
- Chuck Todd is an idiot;
- Bill O’Reilly is an idiot;
- I am an idiot;
- You think that Hitler and global warming are related;
- You found Jesus;
- You found inspiration:
- You found your ass with both hands;
- You need to water your lawn;
- You have to pass water;
- You have a used sofa for sale;
- You passed water on a used sofa for sale;
- I want to show you what I had for breakfast for the last five months;
- I want to show you my infrequent bowel movements;
- You ran behind the DDT watering truck as a kid;
- You have 12 cases of chocolate soy milk to give away;
- You are looking for others to participate in a cardio exercise by the pool;
- The abandoned puppy in this picture will be shot unless 1,000 people share and say No;
- Only 1% of the population can pass this quiz;
- You like my recipe for kale lemonade;
- Sharing is caring;
- “i” before “e” except after “c;”
- You believe in alien anal probing.
Sadly, less than 2% of you will like and share these sentiments.
Hit LIKE and SHARE if you AGREE.
(Just kidding!)
Regrets
An article from PopSugar dated June 7, 2017 suggested thirty five things you’ll regret in life. I personally feel that the number is low by several orders of magnitude but I thought I would give a curmudgeon’s perspective on these things.
1.Holding grudges
Naw, this is part of my fabric. How can you be a true curmudgeon without holding grudges as long as possible?
2. Not going to the dentist regularly
I would go more often if the fluoride rinse came in better flavors, like scotch or bourbon.
3. Losing touch with friends
I get reacquainted the moment they win a lottery.
4. Stressing yourself out too much
It’s nothing that can’t be remedied by heavy drinking or recreational drugs.
5. Letting fear stop you from trying something
Review Jackass: the Movie first.
6. Not traveling enough
Apply regret number 5 to your visits to North Korea, Iran, Syria and Yemen.
7. Burning bridges
I burn bridges only when I get to them.
8. Keeping toxic people in your life
See regret number 1.
9. Being overly strict with your diet
No problem.
10. Hating yourself
Hating others comes first.
11. Not being there when someone needed you most
If someone needs a curmudgeon most, they are in trouble.
12. Treating your parents poorly
Even a curmudgeon loves his parents. What did they ever do to deserve me?
13. Worrying about money so much
It’s nothing that can’t be resolved by winning the lottery or straight sevens at the one-armed bandit.
14. Letting the little things get to you
See regret number 1.
15. Living life based upon what someone else wants
Unless that someone else is your spouse, family or pet.
16. Staying angry at someone
See regret number 1.
17. Not saying “I love you
Can you imagine a curmudgeon saying “I love you?”
18. Ignoring your body
Personally, I try to ignore my body as much as possible.
19. Overworking yourself
No problem.
20. Not spending enough time with family
Even a curmudgeon agrees. I do tell my family that “I smile because I am related to them; I laugh because there is nothing they can do about it.”
21. Listening to haters
See regret number 1.
22. Not taking that much needed vacation
If only someone else would pay for it.
23. Having enemies
See regret number 1.
24. Treating someone badly
Unless they hurt your family, friends or pets.
25. Worrying so much about what others think
The more I think of others, the less I think of others.
26. Not going for that dream job
If only Warren Buffet, Bill Gates or Steve Jobs had called me. Maybe they did not have my number.
27. Not taking care of your physical and mental health
I avoid both physical and mental activity as much as possible so as to preserve both.
28. Being close-minded
See regret number 1.
29. Doing the bare minimum
At my age I am not doing the bare minimum, I am conserving energy.
30. Being afraid to take more risks
Are you one of those people who will avoid risk to make it safely to death?
31. Not enjoying life more
See regret number 1.
32. Being selfish
Ditto.
33. Closing people off
Also ditto.
34. Not giving back
I always give back, usually with the back of my hand.
35. Letting someone other than yourself be in charge of your happiness
Unless that someone else is your spouse, family or pets.
That’s it for now; thousands more to follow.
Pet Peeves
I was asked the other day what my pet peeves were. After a few minutes, the person who asked realized the painful mistake of asking a curmudgeon for a list of pet peeves. Now, we can name Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Bill O’Reilly and CNN but these pet peeves are individual and personal. Death and taxes are inevitable. I believe that pet peeves should be generic and universal.
Here are a few of mine. Thousands more to follow.
- Robo-calls and telemarketers
- Butt cracks
- People who invade your personal space when talking to you
- Stealth farters, especially in elevators
- All reality TV shows
- The guy who leaves the restroom smelling so bad it would knock a buzzard off a garbage truck
- The lady ahead of you in the checkout line who waits until all her items have been totaled before looking for her wallet (Did she think that the items would be free?)
- All waiters who wait until your mouth is full to ask you how your meal is
- Bad grammar
- People who found Jesus (Was Jesus ever lost?)
- People who come up to you and say “Smile!” (I’m a curmudgeon; smiling isn’t permitted unless the person saying “Smile!” falls into an open manhole.)
- Public nose pickers and crotch scratchers (Yes, I’m guilty but at least I try to do these ugly things in private.)
- Parents who abandon their uncontrolled children in stores, malls, movie theaters until you discipline the kids and the parents suddenly appear and act indignant.
- Drivers who take up two parking spaces
- The guy next to you who coughs continually on a non-stop flight from NYC to Buenos Aries
- The lady at the dining table next to you whose piercing shriek of a laugh would break glass (and eardrums)
- All commercials or ads involving the digestive system
- Born again anything (Please stay dead.)
- The phrase “Can I give you some advice?”
- People who make lists of pet peeves.
I know that you are itching to tell me your pet peeves so go ahead, I dare you; I double dare you; I triple dare you. (Yes, that’s another pet peeve.)
Advice [with commentary]
People cannot resist giving advice. Most of it is unwanted, unwarranted or useless. Shakespeare’s Polonius, he of “Neither a borrower nor a lender be,” was full of advice and was also a deceitful old fool. Hamlet rewarded Polonius for this advice by stabbing him: He should have stabbed him sooner.
While I am not planning to stab anyone, I am going to add my own curmudgeonly commentary to some advice and comments that I received recently.
Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes. [Wear more if it’s cold unless you are auditioning for a job as a stripper.]
If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there’s a fifty percent chance you’ll die within the next three years. [So move around every 10 hours and 59 minutes.]
There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you. There is a 9% chance that you’ll meet one of them in your lifetime. [None of these people will look like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.]
Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger. [Sleeping without a bed does not.]
A person’s height is determined by their father and their weight is determined by their mother. [It’s always your parents’ fault.]
If a part of your body “falls asleep,” you can almost always “wake it up” by shaking your head. [If your head falls asleep, you’re probably dead.]
There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing – food, attractive people and danger. [For men, this is defined as beer, large breasts and “honey do” lists.]
Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor. [Using the tea bag afterwards will not.]
According to Albert Einstein, if honey bees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within 4 years. [Sooner if preceded by nuclear holocaust.]
There are so many kinds of apples that if you ate a new one every day, it would take over 20 years to try them all. [Also true for micro-breweries.]
People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t. [Unless you laugh at a Hell’s Angel.]
Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt bulb. [Which is why we see people who have a bright idea with a 10 watt bulb over their heads.]
Our body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to boil 1.5 liters of water. [So if you sit in a bathtub long enough, will you heat it up?]
Stomach acid (HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades. [Be environmentally sound by swallowing razor blades after using them.]
Take a 10 to 30 minute walk every day and while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate antidepressant. [Not true. When I take a 30 minute walk, I grimace.]
Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. [For a teenager, make it 10 hours instead of 10 minutes.]
Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything. [But don’t forget their names.]
Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years, will this matter?” [If yes, then elevate “so-called” to “cataclysmic.”]
Curmudgeon at Large 