Tag Archives: advice

Pet Peeves

I was asked the other day what my pet peeves were. After a few minutes, the person who asked realized the painful mistake of asking a curmudgeon for a list of pet peeves.   Now, we can name Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Bill O’Reilly and CNN but these pet peeves are individual and personal. Death and taxes are inevitable. I believe that pet peeves should be generic and universal.

Pet Peeves

Here are a few of mine. Thousands more to follow.

  1. Robo-calls and telemarketers
  2. Butt cracks
  3. People who invade your personal space when talking to you
  4. Stealth farters, especially in elevators
  5. All reality TV shows
  6. The guy who leaves the restroom smelling so bad it would knock a buzzard off a garbage truck
  7. The lady ahead of you in the checkout line who waits until all her items have been totaled before looking for her wallet (Did she think that the items would be free?)
  8. All waiters who wait until your mouth is full to ask you how your meal is
  9. Bad grammar
  10. People who found Jesus (Was Jesus ever lost?)
  11. People who come up to you and say “Smile!” (I’m a curmudgeon; smiling isn’t permitted unless the person saying “Smile!” falls into an open manhole.)
  12.  Public nose pickers and crotch scratchers (Yes, I’m guilty but at least I try to do these ugly things in private.)
  13.  Parents who abandon their uncontrolled children in stores, malls, movie theaters until you discipline the kids and the parents suddenly appear and act indignant.
  14. Drivers who take up two parking spaces
  15. The guy next to you who coughs continually on a non-stop flight from NYC to Buenos Aries
  16. The lady at the dining table next to you whose piercing shriek of a laugh would break glass (and eardrums)
  17. All commercials or ads involving the digestive system
  18. Born again anything (Please stay dead.)
  19. The phrase “Can I give you some advice?”
  20. People who make lists of pet peeves.

I know that you are itching to tell me your pet peeves so go ahead, I dare you; I double dare you; I triple dare you. (Yes, that’s another pet peeve.)

 

Advice [with commentary]

advice

People cannot resist giving advice. Most of it is unwanted, unwarranted or useless.  Shakespeare’s Polonius, he of “Neither a borrower nor a lender be,” was full of advice and was also a deceitful old fool.  Hamlet rewarded Polonius for this advice by stabbing him: He should have stabbed him sooner.

While I am not planning to stab anyone, I am going to add my own curmudgeonly commentary to some advice and comments that I received recently.

 

Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes.  [Wear more if it’s cold unless you are auditioning for a job as a stripper.]

If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there’s a fifty percent chance you’ll die within the next three years.  [So move around every 10 hours and 59 minutes.]

There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you. There is a 9% chance that you’ll meet one of them in your lifetime.  [None of these people will look like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.]

Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger.  [Sleeping without a bed does not.]

A person’s height is determined by their father and their weight is determined by their mother.  [It’s always your parents’ fault.]

If a part of your body “falls asleep,” you can almost always “wake it up” by shaking your head.  [If your head falls asleep, you’re probably dead.]

There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing – food, attractive people and danger.  [For men, this is defined as beer, large breasts and “honey do” lists.]

Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor.  [Using the tea bag afterwards will not.]

According to Albert Einstein, if honey bees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within 4 years. [Sooner if preceded by nuclear holocaust.]

There are so many kinds of apples that if you ate a new one every day, it would take over 20 years to try them all.  [Also true for micro-breweries.]

People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t. [Unless you laugh at a Hell’s Angel.]

Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt bulb.  [Which is why we see people who have a bright idea with a 10 watt bulb over their heads.]

Our body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to boil 1.5 liters of water.  [So if you sit in a bathtub long enough, will you heat it up?]

Stomach acid (HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.  [Be environmentally sound by swallowing razor blades after using them.]

Take a 10 to 30 minute walk every day and while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate antidepressant.  [Not true. When I take a 30 minute walk, I grimace.]

Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.  [For a teenager, make it 10 hours instead of 10 minutes.]

Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything. [But don’t forget their names.]

Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years, will this matter?”  [If yes, then elevate “so-called” to “cataclysmic.”]

Advice for the Disagreeable

Advice2Mark Twain said that nothing needs improving so much as other peoples’ habits.  I’m tired of hearing about how to live my life and ways to improve it.  I am inundated with advice on radio and TV (Dr. Phil and his ilk) from experts who have nothing better to do but tell me how to enhance my life experience.  I swear that you can get better suggestions from a deck of Tarot cards or a Chinese fortune cookie.  If I want advice, I’ll ask myself for it.  So I did and created my own radio show:   Advice for the Disagreeable – Ask Dr. Cur.

“Welcome to the Dr. Cur show where we give advice for the disagreeable from the disagreeable.  If you are foolish enough to take our advice, then we are foolish enough to give it to you.  And now here’s our first caller.”

Caller #1:  None of the girls at school or work will go out with me.  What’s wrong?

  • Dr. Cur:  They’re not your type.  They’re not inflatable.

Caller #2:  All my friends say that I have the personality of wet cardboard and that I am a loser.  What do you think, Dr. Cur?

  • Dr. Cur:  I’ll go with the majority.  They’re right.

Caller #3:  I may not have the talent of others but I think, with enough hard work and persistence, I can grow up to be somebody.

  • Dr. Cur:  You can.  You just need to be more specific.

Caller #4:  Today, on the ground, I found a four-leaf clover, a rabbit’s foot and a penny.  What does this mean?  Is this my lucky day?

  • Dr. Cur:  It means that you have greatly increased your chances of getting a communicable disease.

Caller #5:  Why are the police arresting me?  I didn’t beat my wife; ghosts did it.1

  • Dr. Cur:  The police are also ghosts.

1From newsoxy, January 24, 2012:  A Wisconsin man was arrested for domestic violence but he told police that a ghost beat his wife over financial problems and that he had nothing to do with it.

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“And now here’s a word from our sponsor, Dr. Cur’s Chinese Misfortune Cookies©.  Stop accepting those ridiculous platitudes on all other fortune cookies.  Accept life for what it is.  Here are a few samples:

  • Today will turn out to be boring; so will tomorrow.
  • You or someone you know must cut back on sugar or salt.
  • At least two days this week will be a waste.
  • It is better to be rich, strong and handsome than to be poor, weak and ugly.
  • Give everyone at your office a break; sleep in tomorrow.
  • The food at this restaurant is overpriced and mediocre.
  • Al’s Mortgage.  Lowest rates in town.  Guaranteed.  Call 1-800-LOWRATES.
  • The person who made this cookie did not wash his hands.

Well, that’s it for today but tune in tomorrow when we will discuss how to dress for disagreement.  And remember, stay disagreeable.”

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Note to readers:  Feel free to add you own Chinese Misfortune Cookie© saying.

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