We have a pleasant Yorkie, a likable, lovable, spoiled little seven pound creature. An affectionate doggie who loves to cuddle and play and look cute.
She likes to spend the day nestled in your lap when, without warning, she
How badly does she fart, you might ask? Badly enough to knock a buzzard off an open garbage truck. Badly enough to call out an emergency hazmat team. Badly enough to make your eyes water, your nose run and your skin itch. THAT’s how badly she farts. Her farts are thermonuclear. Actually, they are more akin to a neutron bomb in that they are stealth farts. They do their damage without leaving any trace or registering on any seismic device. It is inconceivable that such a small creature can wreak such olfactory havoc.
Not only does she fart spectacularly but she has the audacity to act as though someone else had performed the dirty deed. She jumps off your lap and looks around in amazement like a little girl caught in the act of breaking mommy’s vase and pretending it was done by her bad brother. (Our doggie has no brother, bad or otherwise, so the culprit must be a squirrel or a sparrow or maybe the mailman.)
Now such vile activity in a somewhat larger animal – a Saint Bernard or an English Mastiff or a Great Dane – might be understandable, though not any more pleasant, but a seven pound Yorkie?! Pound for pound this has to be one of the most intense effusions of odor imaginable. If this odor was pleasant rather than, well, odoriferous, I could foresee bottling it as Chanel Yorkie, rather than as something best called Essence of Open Sewer Rotting Fish.
Now you might think our doggie is offended by being described as a broken septic field on four paws. Not at all. She is, this very moment, waiting to jump back in my lap, nestle down and…
I am holding my breath.
Posted in Uncurmudgeonized
Tagged doggie, English Mastiff, farting, Great Dane, hazmat, humor, humour, neutron bomb, oderiferous, olfactory havoc, rants, Saint Bernard, stealth farts, thermonuclear, Yorkie
FOAF has found another winner. It undoubtedly appears elsewhere but, like pizza, is too good to pass up.
CALLER: Is this Gordon’s Pizza?
GOOGLE: No sir, it’s Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: OK! That’s what I want …
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know!
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!!!
GOOGLE: I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I’m going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…
Posted in Curmudgeonry
Tagged credit card information, database, google, humor, humour, life, medical records, medication, passport, pet peeves, pizza, privacy, rants, satire
Here’s something I wish to SHARE with you.
I am never going to ask anyone on Facebook to SHARE anything… ever!
I am not going to ask you to SHARE if:
- You agree with Donald Trump;
- You hate Donald Trump;
- Parents should be allowed to teach their kids to shoot;
- U call yourself my buddy, friend or family;
- You are lactose intolerant;
- You need a hug;
- You need an Amen;
- You need a laxative;
- Chuck Todd is an idiot;
- Bill O’Reilly is an idiot;
- I am an idiot;
- You think that Hitler and global warming are related;
- You found Jesus;
- You found inspiration:
- You found your ass with both hands;
- You need to water your lawn;
- You have to pass water;
- You have a used sofa for sale;
- You passed water on a used sofa for sale;
- I want to show you what I had for breakfast for the last five months;
- I want to show you my infrequent bowel movements;
- You ran behind the DDT watering truck as a kid;
- You have 12 cases of chocolate soy milk to give away;
- You are looking for others to participate in a cardio exercise by the pool;
- The abandoned puppy in this picture will be shot unless 1,000 people share and say No;
- Only 1% of the population can pass this quiz;
- You like my recipe for kale lemonade;
- Sharing is caring;
- “i” before “e” except after “c;”
- You believe in alien anal probing.
Sadly, less than 2% of you will like and share these sentiments.
Hit LIKE and SHARE if you AGREE.