I see that our ‘crack’ U.S. Government, after its leader, President Rump, proclaimed coronavirus to be a hoax, has reversed itself and declared a national emergency.  A task force, under the superlative direction of cardboard cutout Vice President Mike Dense, gives us reassurance that everything is under control provided we take safety precautions through abstinence and prayer.

Nonetheless, despite consulting the world’s foremost experts on diseases and epidemics – people like Laura Ingraham, Tucker Carlson and Rush Windbag – the government’s task force has a glaring omission in getting citizens through this crisis:

What do I do when run out of toilet paper?

Well, I am here to help.

First, that usual question – paper or plastic?  My own preference is paper.  Plastic has a number of issues, not the least of which is slipperiness.  Besides, aren’t you environmentally concerned and using paper or your own bags to cart items from the grocery store?

So, paper.  And where do we get unused paper?  Most of us have stopped reading the daily newspaper and few of us use writing paper.  And, truth be told, your environmental concerns do not rise to the level of replacing plastic bags.  On the other hand, we tend to order online and get delivery by – cardboard paper!  Yes, I know that it does not have the silky-smooth quality of your store-bought ultra-smooth Charmin’ or the plushness of Quilted Northern but – hey – we’re in a crisis here so we have to accept these challenges.

And what happens when we have neither plastic nor paper?  Nature, in the form of trees, provides us with an abundance of leaves.  I would seek out large leafed hardwoods – Sycamore or Red/White Oak – over small leafed varieties or softwoods.  And I really don’t want to tell you about the experience one poor fellow had when reduced to using pine needles.