Tag Archives: rants

Our Sweet Yorkie

We have a pleasant Yorkie, a likable, lovable, spoiled little seven pound creature.  An affectionate doggie who loves to cuddle and play and look cute.

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She likes to spend the day nestled in your lap when, without warning, she

FARTS!

How badly does she fart, you might ask?  Badly enough to knock a buzzard off an open garbage truck.  Badly enough to call out an emergency hazmat team.  Badly enough to make your eyes water, your nose run and your skin itch.  THAT’s how badly she farts.  Her farts are thermonuclear.  Actually, they are more akin to a neutron bomb in that they are stealth farts.  They do their damage without leaving any trace or registering on any seismic device.  It is inconceivable that such a small creature can wreak such olfactory havoc.

Not only does she fart spectacularly but she has the audacity to act as though someone else had performed the dirty deed.  She jumps off your lap and looks around in amazement like a little girl caught in the act of breaking mommy’s vase and pretending it was done by her bad brother.  (Our doggie has no brother, bad or otherwise, so the culprit must be a squirrel or a sparrow or maybe the mailman.)

Now such vile activity in a somewhat larger animal – a Saint Bernard or an English Mastiff or a Great Dane  – might be understandable, though not any more pleasant, but a seven pound Yorkie?!  Pound for pound this has to be one of the most intense effusions of odor imaginable.  If this odor was pleasant rather than, well, odoriferous, I could foresee bottling it as Chanel Yorkie, rather than as something best called Essence of Open Sewer Rotting Fish.

Now you might think our doggie is offended by being described as a broken septic field on four paws.  Not at all.  She is, this very moment, waiting to jump back in my lap, nestle down and…

Our sweet yorkie

I am holding my breath.

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Ordering Pizza

FOAF has found another winner.  It undoubtedly appears elsewhere but, like pizza, is too good to pass up.

Ordering pizza

CALLER:  Is this Gordon’s Pizza?  
 
GOOGLE:  No sir, it’s Google Pizza.  
 
CALLER:  I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry. 
 
GOOGLE:  No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
 
CALLER:  OK.  I would like to order a pizza.
 
GOOGLE:  Do you want your usual, sir?
 
CALLER:  My usual? You know me?
 
GOOGLE:  According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust. 
 
CALLER:  OK! That’s what I want …
 
GOOGLE:  May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust? 
 
CALLER:  What? I detest vegetables!
 
GOOGLE:  Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
 
CALLER:  How the hell do you know!
 
GOOGLE:  Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. 
 
CALLER:  Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.
 
GOOGLE:  Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago. 
 
CALLER:  I bought more from another drugstore.
 
GOOGLE:  That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
 
CALLER:  I paid in cash.
 
GOOGLE:  But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
 
CALLER:  I have other sources of cash.
 
GOOGLE:  That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
 
CALLER:  WHAT THE HELL!!!
 
GOOGLE:  I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
 
CALLER:  Enough already!  I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others.  I’m going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
 
GOOGLE:  I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago…

Donorrhea

CNN Style recently posted an article entitled “What North Korea propaganda posters reveal.”

“To the outside world, North Korean propaganda posters are notorious for their militaristic and anti-American messages.  But one former Pyongyang resident is hoping that her sizable Korean poster collection can present a more nuanced picture of art in the reclusive state.  Stanford fellow Katharina Zellweger — who lived in Pyongyang for five years while working for a Swiss government agency — has collected over 100 examples from inside the country.”

These posters are on exhibit as “Korea’s Public Face: Twentieth-century Propaganda Posters from the Zellweger Collection” at The University Museum and Art Gallery (UMAG) at the University of Hong Kong until Jan. 28, 2018.

Being the kind-hearted soul I am, I thought that it would be amusing to see what nuanced themes Team Trump would construct for propaganda art in the coming year using these same posters.

Hence, Donald Trump North Korea posters become Donorrhea posters.

NKDT7

North Korea:  “Spinning tops is fun!”

Donorrhea:  “Whipping people is fun!”

 

NKDT1

North Korea:  “Agriculture is the first priority.”

Donorrhea:  “Sucking up to me is the first priority.”

 

 

NKDT4

North Korea:  “Let us provide more electricity to the battlefields where we are breaking new ground!”

Donorrhea:   “Let me use my small hands to shut down science and environmental protection before they can break new ground!”

 

NK6

North Korea:  “Let us raise more grass-eating animals.”

Donorrhea:  “Let us raise more grass-eating loyal followers. (But only white sheep.)”

 

NKDT10

North Korea: “Let us further encourage our nation’s excellent sports activities and folk games!”

Donorrhea:  “Always grab them by the ass or the p***y!”

 

NKDT9b

North Korea:  “Let us achieve the party’s agriculture revolution policy thoroughly and brighten the year with increased grain production.”

Donorrhea:  “Let us brighten the year by stomping out fake news with fire and fury!”

 

As the old Chinese proverb states:  “May you live in interesting times.”

DT5b

Cue the theme from The Twilight Zone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-b5aW08ivHU

 

Walking Sticks and Death by Selfie

 

“Get up off your butt and stop sleeping! I’m tired of doing nothing.”  In such dulcet tones did I receive the proclamation of She Who Must Be Obeyed*.   (*from Rumpole of the Bailey by John Mortimer.)

I, in turn, responded in my most Rumpolean manner by stating: “Huh? What? But, my dear, I am not ‘doing nothing.’  I am, in fact, emulating the habits of my good friend the Koala Bear.”  Koala Bears sleep, on average, 22 hours a day and spend the remaining time eating Eucalyptus leaves.  I create something similar by putting Eucalyptus leaves in my drinks.

“Emulating Koala Bears. Nonsense.  We are going to do something by visiting the National Parks.”

“Oh wonderful. Uh, wait… by National Parks, you mean outdoors and hikes and uh, more hikes.”

“Yes, exactly. Now get up because we are on our way.”

Thus began our trip to some of the more storied National Parks of the western United States – Grand Canyon, Bryce, Zion, and the Petrified Forest. Despite the exacting toll on my feet and the interruption of my Koala Bear studies, it was a very pleasant trip and allowed me to observe some unnatural wonders among the wonders of our National Parks.

The first is the use of the walking stick.  It seems that nowadays no visit to a National Park is complete without the use of one.  My own unscientific observations have concluded that there are only three categories of people who use walking sticks:

1. Dudes who look cool with walking sticks.

Walking stick1   Walking stick2   Walking stick3

2.  People with disabilities or injuries who need the aid of a walking stick.

3.  Everyone else.

Only categories 1 and 2 should use walking sticks. Unfortunately, category 3 predominates in National Parks.  Actually, the device should be called a carrying stick because most users are carrying rather using their walking sticks.  I think that the organizers of National Park tours highly recommend a walking stick as de rigueur for the upcoming visit and then just happen to have them available at highly inflated prices.

Those who actually use walking sticks use modern ones in tandem like ski poles and have determined that their use entitles them to the right of way on any park path. Failure to yield will result in being pushed aside or poked with the sharp ends of the stick.  I have reserved a new ring in hell for category 3 users of walking sticks.

My other observation is the occurrence of the ubiquitous selfie and selfie stick. Most of the people who take selfies are instant candidates for a Darwin Award.  For the uninitiated, Darwin Awards are given to those individuals who improve the human gene pool by eliminating themselves from it.  A double Darwin Award was given in 2014 to two men in Kenya who were capturing selfies with a wild elephant when they were trampled to death by the irate pachyderm who proceeded to bury the corpses with brush. The two men were actually touching the elephant’s face while taking the photos.

Similar Darwin Award candidates inhabit our National Parks. The idea is to get a picture of yourself overlooking as close as possible a treacherous chasm, cliff, overhang or precipitous drop.  While endangering themselves, and often unsuspecting visitors nearby, the selfie taker fails to understand some basic rules of photography.  First, you are taking up most of the picture so no one really sees the natural wonder to which you are adding yourself.  Second, most selfie pictures can be composed at a safe distance from the dangerous perch or drop off with the same result and no requirement to jeopardize yourself.  But where is the fun in being practical?  Most selfie takers get an “A” for enthusiasm and an “F” for practicality.

Thankfully, the Darwin gene pool remained unaltered, my sore feet recovered, and I was able to return to my study of Koala Bear sleeping habits.

SHAREing

Here’s something I wish to SHARE with you.

I am never going to ask anyone on Facebook to SHARE anything… ever!

I am not going to ask you to SHARE if:

  1. You agree with Donald Trump;
  2. You hate Donald Trump;
  3. Parents should be allowed to teach their kids to shoot;
  4. U call yourself my buddy, friend or family;
  5. You are lactose intolerant;
  6. You need a hug;
  7. You need an Amen;
  8. You need a laxative;
  9. Chuck Todd is an idiot;
  10. Bill O’Reilly is an idiot;
  11. I am an idiot;
  12. You think that Hitler and global warming are related;
  13. You found Jesus;
  14. You found inspiration:
  15. You found your ass with both hands;
  16. You need to water your lawn;
  17. You have to pass water;
  18. You have a used sofa for sale;
  19. You passed water on a used sofa for sale;
  20. I want to show you what I had for breakfast for the last five months;
  21. I want to show you my infrequent bowel movements;
  22. You ran behind the DDT watering truck as a kid;
  23. You have 12 cases of chocolate soy milk to give away;
  24. You are looking for others to participate in a cardio exercise by the pool;
  25. The abandoned puppy in this picture will be shot unless 1,000 people share and say No;
  26. Only 1% of the population can pass this quiz;
  27. You like my recipe for kale lemonade;
  28. Sharing is caring;
  29. “i” before “e” except after “c;”
  30. You believe in alien anal probing.

Sadly, less than 2% of you will like and share these sentiments.

Hit LIKE and SHARE if you AGREE.

SHAREing

(Just kidding!)