I was asked the other day what my pet peeves were. After a few minutes, the person who asked realized the painful mistake of asking a curmudgeon for a list of pet peeves. Now, we can name Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Bill O’Reilly and CNN but these pet peeves are individual and personal. Death and taxes are inevitable. I believe that pet peeves should be generic and universal.
Here are a few of mine. Thousands more to follow.
- Robo-calls and telemarketers
- Butt cracks
- People who invade your personal space when talking to you
- Stealth farters, especially in elevators
- All reality TV shows
- The guy who leaves the restroom smelling so bad it would knock a buzzard off a garbage truck
- The lady ahead of you in the checkout line who waits until all her items have been totaled before looking for her wallet (Did she think that the items would be free?)
- All waiters who wait until your mouth is full to ask you how your meal is
- Bad grammar
- People who found Jesus (Was Jesus ever lost?)
- People who come up to you and say “Smile!” (I’m a curmudgeon; smiling isn’t permitted unless the person saying “Smile!” falls into an open manhole.)
- Public nose pickers and crotch scratchers (Yes, I’m guilty but at least I try to do these ugly things in private.)
- Parents who abandon their uncontrolled children in stores, malls, movie theaters until you discipline the kids and the parents suddenly appear and act indignant.
- Drivers who take up two parking spaces
- The guy next to you who coughs continually on a non-stop flight from NYC to Buenos Aries
- The lady at the dining table next to you whose piercing shriek of a laugh would break glass (and eardrums)
- All commercials or ads involving the digestive system
- Born again anything (Please stay dead.)
- The phrase “Can I give you some advice?”
- People who make lists of pet peeves.
I know that you are itching to tell me your pet peeves so go ahead, I dare you; I double dare you; I triple dare you. (Yes, that’s another pet peeve.)
Posted in Curmudgeonry
Tagged advice, butt crack, coughing, dares, farting, humor, humour, lists, pet peeves, rants, restrooms, Smile!, stuff, telemarketers
I really hate – dislike, am not keen on, disapprove of, cannot stand, wish it never existed, should not become its own reality show – static electricity. Winter weather, combined with cold, windy, dry conditions, make me even more curmudgeonly about this phenomenon.
I am sure that I share this dislike equally with furry creatures like cats who I would otherwise despise. Attempts to touch conductive objects – computers, light switches, metal poles – result in shocks so severe that I should by now be a prime candidate for the negative effects of shock therapy.
Just when you think it’s safe to touch that metallic surface with impunity, Mother Nature decides to give you another reason to wish that Mother Nature had never existed either. Static electricity should be confined to those old high school science experiments where girls with long hair are asked to be Guinea pigs and attach themselves to Van de Graaff generators so that their hair can stick straight out.
Static electricity could be available in the spice section of the grocery store. Need a little static? Add 1 teaspoon to a full glass of water and stir. Otherwise, I see no real need to fry the ends of my fingers every time I walk across a carpet in winter and reach for a metallic doorknob. Zot!! What’s the point, other than to get me all worked up?
At these moments I revive my inner Ezra Pound and say:
Winter is icumen in,
Lhude sing Goddamm,
Raineth drop and staineth slop,
And how the wind doth ramm!
Skiddeth bus and sloppeth us,
An ague hath my ham.
Freezeth river, turneth liver,
’tis why I am, Goddamm,
So ‘gainst the winter’s balm.
Sing goddamm, damm, sing goddamm,
Sing goddamm, sing goddamm, DAMM
Winter is NOT supposed to be icumen in or astayin in; it’s supposed to be agoin out!
C’mon spring and summer, let’s get to those hot, hazy, humid days so I can complain about that.
Posted in Curmudgeonry
Tagged complaints, electricity, Ezra Pound, grouch, humor, humour, musings, rants, science, static, static electricity, thoughts, Van de Graaff generator