Fix it; Break it

Posted on February 7, 2020 by Curmudgeon-at-Large

I had to get one of the many and never ending house repairs done the other day. It demonstrated one of the immutable laws of nature – the fix it, break it phenomenon also known as the conservation of repairs. Newton’s third law states that for every action there is an equal but opposite reaction. Inanimate objects follow this law with a perverse vengeance. If you are foolish enough to attempt your own electrical, mechanical or plumbing repairs and succeed in saving a hundred bucks, the objects in your house will rise up en masse, failing in rapid succession until you have spent ten times that amount on repairs and repairmen.

I unwittingly fixed a leaking toilet one day only to find a nearly flooded basement two weeks later because my ejector pump broke. After a panicked call, my plumber, Fast Eddy, shows up, explains how bad the problem is, fixes it and relieves me of enough cash so that I can stop worrying about my next car, my next vacation or newer underwear. In fact, Fast Eddy said that he had a similar problem in one of his houses. One of his houses? My plumber has more houses than I do! I fully expect him to show up the next time in a repair van that is a combination Hummer and pimpmobile wearing thousand-dollar Max Armani coveralls.

I am, suffice it to say, not mechanically inclined. The chances of me successfully conducting a major repair to my house are about as great as a dog reading a book. I feel that, if scientists can believe in black holes, dark matter and exploding galaxies, I can believe in the self-curative powers of inanimate objects by constant incantations, prayers and, in extreme circumstances, human sacrifice. Is it too much to ask them to break down during weekday hours when repairmen cost less? To wait until after all the guests at a party have departed? To agree upon a breakdown schedule that will not drain me of my life’s savings or require a second mortgage?

If only it were so. Inanimate objects have their own laws:

	Newton	Inanimate Object


1	An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion.	An object at rest breaks when you put it in motion; an object in motion breaks anyway.
2	The acceleration of an object is directly proportional to the magnitude of the net force.	The acceleration of an object’s break is directly proportional to your inability to pay for it.
3	For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.	For every fix, there is at least one break.

Jokes for Educated Minds

Posted on March 9, 2015 by Curmudgeon-at-Large

Puns for Educated Minds is one of my most viewed posts. While I search for more groan-worthy puns, you can occupy waste your time with these educated groan-worthy jokes, courtesy of tickld. I’m sure that these jokes are the talk of any MENSA meeting.

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do you all want a drink?”

The first logician says “I don’t know.”

The second logician says “I don’t know.”

The third logician says “Yes!”

4. Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

5. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “Make me one with everything.”

6. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.

The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

7. Another Roman walks into a bar, hold up two fingers and says “Five beers, please.”

8. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.

His wife asks impatiently “So, is it a boy or a girl?”

The logician replies “Yes.”

9. Jean-Paul Satre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

10. Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

11. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

12. Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

13. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “Clearly this is a joke but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Godel replies, “We can’t know because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says, “Of course, it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

14. Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. His phone rings and he jumps up shouting “Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!”

15. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.

16. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and says “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”

Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”

17. A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said “this is pointless” and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out “Don’t you see, you’ll never reach her?” To which the engineer replied, “So what? Pretty soon I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”

18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson replies, “But without me, how could you have mass?

19. The programmer’s wife tells him, “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

20. There’s a band called 1023Mb. They haven’t had any gigs yet.

http://instantrimshot.com/

Fix it; Break it

Posted on February 6, 2012 by Curmudgeon-at-Large

If only it were so. Inanimate objects have their own laws:

	Newton	Inanimate Object


1	An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion.	An object at rest breaks when you put it in motion; an object in motion breaks anyway.
2	The acceleration of an object is directly proportional to the magnitude of the net force.	The acceleration of an object’s break is directly proportional to your inability to pay for it.
3	For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.	For every fix, there is at least one break.