September | 2016 | Curmudgeon at Large

(With a nod to idiotprufs and List of X).

so-donald

So Donald Trump walks into a bar…

and denies he ever walked into a bar.
orders a drink from the bartender and tells her she would not look like a pig if she lost 20 pounds.
says he knows how to drink and drinks only the best drinks.
doesn’t want to be braggadocious but he likes his drinks bigly.
demands that everyone except the white guys be stopped and frisked.
blames Hillary Clinton for the spilled liquor and the crushed peanut shells on the floor.
says that his entrance into the bar was the best entrance ever. Ever, ever, ever.
requests that all Mexicans leave the bar and then re-enter it legally.
runs up a tab and says that he will pay it once the audit of the tab is complete.
not sure that he will pay the tab anyway because he didn’t get the service he expected.

Citizenship Test

citizenship1

With a national election upcoming in the United States, I have been wondering how much the average American knows about the rights of U.S. citizenship. Naturalized citizens are required to pass a citizenship test (see link ) but those of us born as American citizens have no such requirement. I think it is time that ALL Americans, if they want to be called Americans, stand up and take a test to prove that they are indeed true-blue one hundred percent U.S. citizens.

Ergo (meaning more pompous than therefore), I offer the Curmudgeon-at-Large True-Blue United States Citizenship Test.

What are the last words of the national anthem?

a) Of Thee I Sing
b) God Save the Queen
c) And the Home of the Brave
d) Play Ball

2.What is the first question asked by a defense attorney to his client?

a) Are you guilty?
b) Are you innocent?
c) How much money have you got?
d) Want some crack?

3. What is the proper drink for the Fourth of July?

a) Pabst Blue Ribbon
b) Bourbon
c) Cosmopolitan
d) All of the above

4. Where was President Barak Obama born?

a) Illinois
b) Hawaii
c) Kansas
d) Kenya

5. Where was Donald Trump born?

a) New York
b) Florida
c) In a galaxy far, far away
d) He wasn’t born; he was hatched.

6. Which person below is NOT true-blue one hundred percent American?

a) b) citizenship3

c) citizenship4 d) citizenship5

7. What do you do when go into a voting booth?

a) Vote for the candidates of your choice
b) Vote for the candidates you were paid to vote for
c) Look for hidden cameras
d) Relieve yourself

8. In the event no candidate for President of the United States receives the required number of electoral votes, who chooses the next president?

a) Congress
b) World Wrestling Federation
c) Some unknown guy hidden in Cheyenne Mountain, Wyoming
d) Highest bidder

9. What are the three branches of government?

a) Olive, birch and palm
b) Huey, Dewey and Louie
c) Triassic, Jurassic and Cretaceous
d) It doesn’t matter, they’re all crooks.

10. Match the statement to the president.

a) I am not a crook.	George H.W. Bush
b) I did not have sexual relations with that woman.	Richard Nixon
c) Read my lips.	Lyndon Johnson
d) Gerald Ford can’t piss and chew gum at the same time.	Bill Clinton

11. What are the first words a foreign-speaking naturalized citizen should understand when entering the United States?

a) Welcome to America.
b) Stay in your lane.
c) You have the right to remain silent.
d) Attention, Kmart shoppers!

12. How often does the United States Constitution get changed?

a) Every four years
b)Every two years and four months
c) Whenever an amendment is ratified by three-fourths of the states
d) When it gets dirty

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To get your results, please place your answers, a self-addressed stamped envelope and $500 in cash (preferably small bills) in a sealed envelope and mail it to: