Tag Archives: anti-gravity

Puns on High

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I have relatives in high places (they are smoking something in the Colorado Rockies) who provided me with a year-ending set of puns:

  1. The meaning of opaque is unclear.

 

  1. I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.

 

  1. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.

 

  1. A man tried at assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

 

  1. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

 

  1. If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.

 

  1. It’s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.

 

  1. It’s not that the man couldn’t juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

 

  1. So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘apocalypse’? It’s not the end of the world.

 

  1. Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.

 

  1. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

 

  1. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

 

  1. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.

 

  1. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

 

  1. Did you know they won’t be making yardsticks any longer?

 

  1. I used to be allergic to soap but I’m clean now.

 

  1. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

 

  1. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.

 

  1. Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!

 

  1. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.

 

  1. What is a thesaurus’s favorite dessert? Synonym buns…

 

  1. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

 

  1. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal

 

  1. How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound…

 

  1. And finally…

Puns on High

 

Lexophilia

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Who on earth dreams up bad puns (are there any other kind)? Why, a Lexophile of course.

Lexophilia

How does Moses make tea?  Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again?  Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home.  Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typO.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic.  It’s syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro – what a rip off!

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.