movies | Curmudgeon at Large

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Why we still need editors:

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Why I love movie critics, especially when they are panning bad movies:

“This ghastly comedy emits the subliminal whine of a sucking chest wound.” — The Village Voice

“Another dim adaptation of a bright comic novel.” — The Wall Street Journal

“The film stinks from start to finish, like a wet burlap sack of gloom.” — LA Weekly

“Stupid. Illogical. Simplistic. Pandering. And those are its good points.” — Baltimore Sun

“The scariest thing in the movie is a cameo by Scott Baio.” — The Village Voice

“The most surprising thing about the movie is that somebody bothered to make it in the first place.” — The Washington Post

“A movie about self-absorbed douchebags that wallows in their douchebaggery.” — The A.V. Club

“As numbing and depressing to watch as suits hammering out a film-packaging deal one venal clause at a time.” — LA Weekly

“About as arousing as an icy shower.” — Entertainment Weekly

“It feels like both a joke and a turkey.” — The New York Times

What is the fascination that people have for old folks having sex? Group sex at retirement communities was a recent highlight (or lowlight, depending upon your view) but sex among seniors seems to be a hot topic in general. Thus, thanks to Jen and Tonic’s hilarious post, we have Metamucil moments, diapered booty calls and new uses for Polygrip. Speaker7’s funny post added the delightful image of the elderly and genital warts.

A television station in Florida reported a number of years ago that sexually transmitted diseases among seniors were widespread at a Central Florida retirement community called The Villages. The outbreak was blamed on Viagra, a lack of sex education, and no pregnancy risk. It also led to jokes about “wrinkle swapping, overnight golf cart key-trade parties, and that perennial favorite spin the pill bottle and see who you go home with. (bring your glasses.)”

Since everyone has tons of chuckles thinking about grandpa and grandma getting it on, it’s only a matter of time before the vapid minds behind the motion picture industry get involved and decide to update some X rated pornographic classics with a more mature cast and some unintended consequences. Your humble author suggests a few updates to the raunchy geriatric screen:

Title	Synopsis

Behind the (Moldy) Green Door	What are Fred and Ethyl really doing behind the green door of room 3C? There have been lots of grunts and groans but now it’s eerily silent and starting to smell.
Gag Factor	In this sequel, the emergency squad technicians find out what is really behind the green door!
Deep Throat (Endoscopy)	Mabel’s cough sends her to Dr. Rick, her gastroenterologist, for an endoscopy. Dr. Rick gets more than he bargained for when he looks down Mabel’s throat!
Breast Stroke	Paramedics fight for old man Walter’s life after busty Nurse Rebecca’s uniform has a wardrobe malfunction while trying to help Walter adjust his pacemaker.
Face Dance Obsession	Dirty Werner experiences great discomfort when he asks petite blonde Jamie to dance on his face and gets 415 pound Wanda instead.
Eighty One and Nasty	Sixty three years after Eighteen and Nasty, our heroine reappears at the Hillside Rest Home.
Flesh Gordon	Flash has become Jupiter instead of Mars but he still sends the girls at the retirement home into orbit.
Nasty Romances	Eighty One and Nasty meets Flesh Gordon. Nasty!
Granny Does Dallas	After getting lost in Dallas’ largest strip-mall with no money, granny offers startled shopkeepers other ways to pay for her purchases.
Lust at First Bite	An elderly vampire has a romp at the old folks’ home but keeps losing his dentures in his victims’ necks.
Pick Up Lines 44	If only George could remember the pickup line he used last night …or in the last ten minutes.
Young Ripe Melons	Spotting some ripe melons at the lunch counter in the senior center makes Homer and Elmer reminisce about their adventurous youth until they fall asleep face-down in their mashed potatoes.
Stop! My Ass is on Fire!	Love makes a burning impression on Harold when, in his exuberance, he accidentally sits on a can of lit Sterno.
Younger Than Me	Yes, gramps, that’s basically everyone here and no, I’m not interested.

We may also see the remake of modern classics with an elderly theme:

Title	Synopsis

The Inseminator	After successful stints as TheTeminator and The Governator, Arnold reinvigorates his screen presence as The Inseminator.** [This may also become a documentary.]
A Few Good Men	What does granny really want? Jack Nicholson and a few good men. [This may also be a horror flick.]

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**Thirty years after playing Conan the Barbarian, Arnold Schwarzenegger, 65, has agreed to return in a sequel called “Conan, the Legend.” Art imitates life.